what is it that im supposed to do now when chandras gone, sarahs on some other shit with some other dumb girl,annies going incognito, jennys boyfriend occupied and if not, shes too busy dodging all my invites to hang out? shit just suuuuuckssssss ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i mean goddamn its been a long fucking time since ive posted on this gay shit. but come on. this summer has been so down! ive been having a lot of fun. I started summer school at cal poly, ive been working at hollister, my friends came back from vacation [except sarah] and ive been doing all the things ive been wanting to do. but what the hell happened? how the hell could i have a plan that was so foolproof just taken away from me. i had it in front of me and they pushed me further away from my dreams. I swear i didnt take it for granted! i swear i never thought i was too cool for that school! I swear i intended on changing my ways! I swear to GOD i was so excited for a fresh new start! but now honestly..i just feel low..and shitty. like im back to square one. Im on the same goddamn boat that i was on before. me slacking off, people looking down on me, judging me cause they know im lazy and not at all hardworking, like my worth= nothing, like im not ever going to make it in whatever the fuck i plan on doing. I honestly thought this was my chance for a fresh start. I didnt think that starting off at this brand new place was just a tease..like I had it all in my hand and now its gone. I still just dont get it. where do i go from here? well i know where to go..but I just dont know how to start. ahhhhh I have this huge feeling of self regret, disgust even! I feel so many things inside of me. I know its not the end of the world. You see, you just have to know how im looking at it, im looking at it as a symbol of how things are going to turn out. wrong turns never ever have good endings for me.. I cant be optimistic..I cant be hopeful or keep faith. I just feel low low low low. I would say i hate to feel sorry for my self or that i dont mean to..but..i wont lie i want you to! i want you to feel sorry for me so that i know at least someone gives two shits about me and my whereabouts. so here: all in all, my moms unemployed, my dads company is shit, my dog just died, I got my acceptance revoked, my parents pretty much hate me now, and now my house that ive lived in since i was 3 or 4..is in foreclosure. Im done, 2009 is just doing us dirt. goddamn it. godfucking damn it. I hate everything about today and the next two years
time really did fly..especially this year. im surprisingly nonchalant about graduation being tomorrow. i dont know it hasnt hit me all that much yet. i feel like the more i hype up graduating and going to college and having the best time ever or what ever everyone raves about..itll be whack by the time im doin it all. sooooo in conclusion, im just goin with the flow from here. a lot is new! im currently a new employee at hollisterrrr. i love the smell, and the music, and how i had to purchase new attire just for this job..not really though. what else is new..my dog has kidney failure.. :[ hes on an IV and everything. just looking at him makes my days suck more dick. pray for him please? i wanna go shopping and fucking update my closet. after freshman year i just stopped buying new clothes for school..ahhaahah i gave up. i straight up lost my self and had an identity crisis all through out hs. i hate that..i hate how being in high school makes you second guess your self and what youre supposed to be like and who youre supposed to be with and how you automatically feel the need to bandwagon one way or another. i had the fattest epiphany today! i love fresh new starts and i feel like after tomorrow ill be able to throw everything ive ever known out the window and start all over again. no more being lazy, start being more goal oriented, no more lagging or slacking, no more saying one thing then doing another, no more being unmotivated,no more hiding behind the people im already comfortable with, and DEFINITELY no room for failing. i have so many thoughts about the future! my brain works too fast in too many damn directions
say one thing to the last person you kissed: kissed and meant it. goddd how did this happen so fast? our sparks just came and went, but i guess this is kharma? i dont like you, but i think i wish i would. i did not see us being where were at right now, it makes me saddd..
Thing you're looking forward to? meeting new people! its gonna be an amazing next couple of yearsssss
When you like someone, do you picture what your children will look like? hahah im weird/ gay like that..but i guess it really isnt that serious.
What song did you hear last? alain de courtenay- sing to you so saaddddddd
Do you hate anyone? well to name a few.. justkidding. i just get easily irritated, thas allll!
Do you enjoy dancing? alwaysss
Who was the last person you texted & what did you talk about? jamye, she helped me with my dumb fucking manuscript.
When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug? jon jon comforted me last night after making just about 39 drunk phone calls hahhaaha. he IS my perfect match and everything ;]
Do you have a best friend? only the greatest
What's the first thing you did when you woke up this morning? got pissed at sarah..i literally just laid my head down 10 minutes before she came in the room and yelled at me to get up.
Last person you went swimming with? alyssa and kate!
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't? before i graduate, i think i gotta do it. but not through this weak survey
Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? love one person. but i seem to only do the opposite its hard to stay monogamous these days
If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? i went, i didnt have such a great tiime..
What are you currently hearing right now? villain [not because it makes me feel like im the shit]
Were you happy when you woke up today? no!
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? the VERY last person i kissed.. hahaha no no i wouldnt actually
Will this weekend be a good one? hopefully much better than my last.. ;/ i have soccer though so i doubt it
Do you have a friend that is a complete and total flirt around everyone? theres always those guys or girls
Do you like the movie "Step Brothers"? OH MY GOD. come on now, my favorite will ferrell movie ever since anchor man.
Do you have feelings for the last person you kissed? no no nonon ononono no
Do you prefer crushed ice or cubed? ice cubed obviously
What is the longest you can wait patiently? im really impatient, but im good at hiding it. promise.
Are your fingernails long or short? got them fakes
How good are you at keeping secrets? not good! unless you like spank me and tell me i absolutely cannot say anything..then i swear i wont.
Can you remember what you wore yesterday? pink tube top, black shorts, jb's sandalias
Where did you last sleep? couch with dan's
How many hours of sleep did you get last night? like 11 minutes total
Will today be a good day? im praying it will be. im just not ready to face yoooouuu though ]:
Last person to IM you? i dont go on aim anymoreeeee
Last person to text you? jamessss
What did you have for breakfast? jack in the box hell yeahhhhh
Have you ever jumped off of a high dive? mmm not so much
Do you write notes on your body? my parents always used to get soooo mad at me!
What is the last thing someone bought you? GAS
Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? dani and jon jon and marielle
Have you made a mistake this past week? plenny plenny mistakes.. ughhhh
Do you drink tea? loves it
What were you doing at 4am this morning? takin care of my girl